In search of kindness and civility

I was pushing my precious cargo of eggs and coffee to the checkout line in Costco when suddenly I heard this loud male voice, “Watch where you’re going, lady. You hit me with your cart, you B****.”

Expecting to see blood flowing, I stopped and turned around to see a flustered 70+ year-old woman respond, “You were rushing so fast that you stepped in front of me.”

The 200+ pound guy, face beet-red with rage, responded, “I did not. You hit me, you B****. They have overhead cameras that will prove it,” and sped past me.

“Hey, fellow. What’s your problem,” I asked? Without even bothering to look back he shouted loudly, “that B**** hit me with her cart!”

I asked this obviously shaken woman if she was alright. “Thank you for asking,” she said. “I’m fine.” Another shopper who witnessed the whole affair added. “It’s nice to know there are still some people with kindness and manners.”

A random act of hostility? Our roads feel like the Darlington Speedway. Road Rage has become common on our highways. People driving obviously slower than the flow of traffic won’t move to the right lane so others can get around them. Drivers weave in and out of traffic going 70+ miles an hour, honking horns and “shooting the bird” at those in their way.

In Raleigh, during rush hour on I-40 several weeks ago, one driver fired shots at another, ultimately killing him, then sped away. Just this week an orange Jeep Wrangler coming off the I-85 ramp in Durham shot another driver through his window, killing him.

Those of us brave enough to write opinion columns can testify that a large number of people now believe they have the right to say anything they want, to anyone, any time they want without a shred of remorse. But you don’t have to be a columnist. Just ask servers in restaurants, cashiers in stores, teachers, politicians, doctors and nurses, service providers and even Bishops preaching a prayer service.

Further proof of pervasive incivility came during March Madness. The NCAA inserted a 30 second announcement in each televised game, cautioning viewers not to take out their anger on players, coaches, officials or other fans. 1 in 3 players report having been harassed.

In a 2023 poll by the American Bar Association,  85 percent of those surveyed said civility in society today is much worse than 10 years ago.

Why is incivility and meanness so prevalent? The simple answer is because we have allowed it! When people know they can get away with these actions without any consequence they will keep doing it.

When you experience people acting or speaking badly do NOT allow it to go unaddressed. Criticize the conduct, not the person. “I’m sorry but that kind of behavior isn’t acceptable,” should work. Hopefully others will chime in and concur, but don’t count on it.

Should the offending person strike back (and often bullies will) it is best to remove yourself from the person or situation. You don’t have to be subjected to disagreeable people and sometimes your departure is a dramatic statement against it and them.

We should set the good example. Conduct yourself the way you want others to conduct themselves. And when you see others setting the good example reward them, letting others, if possible, hear you reinforce the person.

I’ve always believed a great creed is the Rotary 4-Way Test. Is it the truth? Is it fair to all concerned? Will it build goodwill and better friendships? Will it be beneficial to all concerned?

Kristina Ulmer, a public-school teacher in Pennsylvania, led her class in a discussion about empathy and kindness. To help reinforce how every student could make a difference in promoting civility she gave each of her students a crisp $20 bill and instructed them to perform an act of kindness with the money, then record a short video about it. She called it the $20 Kindness Challenge.

Kristina was amazed how her students responded. One went to a restaurant, ordered a glass of water, then left the server a $20 tip. Another bought donuts and stood on a street corner passing them out. Others bought toiletries and food for homeless people, purchased holiday cards for residents of a senior center, made small blankets for dogs at an animal shelter and the list grows.

One student who participated in this challenge said, “I didn’t think it would be possible to make a difference with $20…but you don’t have to have millions – anyone can make a difference.”

The project has grown and is being replicated in other communities with similar responses. It’s harder to be rude, crude or abrupt when someone is doing something kind for you.

Restoring civility and kindness begins by one word or one action at a time. Let us be the example. We can make a difference!

Tom Campbell is a Hall of Fame North Carolina broadcaster and columnist who has covered North Carolina public policy issues since 1965.  Contact him at tomcamp@carolinabroadcasting.com