Bullets from a vending machine? That’s Crazier’n a Glue Sammich

(Editor's note: This will be Celia Rivenbark's last column for SPINCycle. Gannett Southeast laid her off, after 30 years, last week. If you want to continue reading her columns write to the Gannett newspapers in North Carolina. They include: The Asheville Citizen-Times, The Courier Tribune in Ashboro, The Times-News in Burlington, The Fayetteville Observer in Fayetteville, The Gaston Gazette in Gastonia, The Times-News in Hendersonville, The Jacksonville Daily News in Jacksonville, The Kinston Free Press in Kinston, The Lexington Dispatch in Lexington, The Sun Journal in New Bern, The Shelby Star in Shelby and the Wilmington Star-News in Wilmington. And, by all means, write to Celia at celiarivenbark@gmail.com)

Did y’all know in some states, you can now buy bullets from a grocery store vending machine?
        
 Bad idea. It’s one thing when your Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pie gets snagged on the wire thingy and doesn’t drop. Who among us hasn’t pounded on the front of that vending machine while Little Debbie hangs helplessly suspended between two worlds?

Haven’t we all responded with a primal rocking of the machine? I’ve seen people shake a vending machine with the superhuman strength of an adrenalin-charged mama lifting a car off her toddler.

I get that. Because, like I said, it’s LITTLE FREAKIN’ DEBBIE!

But if we get that wrought up about a crème pie or a bag of Sun Chips (which for some reason nobody ever buys anywhere but a vending machine; think about it) what we “gone” do when our ammo doesn’t drop into the tray on command? You may have to calm yourself by workin’ the claw to get that Spongebob keyring, circa 2003.

Selling ammo in a vending machine just seems like a colossally bad idea. But it’s already happening in Alabama, Texas and Oklahoma. What? You thought I was going to say Vermont?

 And in grocery stores?

“Hon, we need milk…bread…shredded Cheddar cheese…dozen eggs…coupla hundred hollow points for my ’45.”

When did grocery stores become so scandalous? You can buy bullets, booze, fireworks, lottery tickets. Where are my smelling salts?  What? Aisle 5 between the sex toys and Delta 8’s? Oh, thanks.

Let’s just state the painfully, awfully awful truth that many of you will now lose your minds over: Americans’ obsession with guns isn’t normal or healthy. You don’t need 24-hour access to ammunition. Is it just too laborious to buy your ammo from a real, live clerk who, I like to think, has a little button you can’t see that can summon the cops if you’re acting jumpy?

The vending machine can’t tell this might not be a great day for YOU to buy ammunition. A human can, though. I’ve never seen an episode of “Law & Order” in which they interview a vending machine about the appearance of the “perp.” Think about it.

American Rounds, the distributor of the bullet vending machines, says we shouldn’t fret because the machines use AI technology to check ID’s and there’s even facial recognition software to verify that you are who your ID says you are.

AI? The same AI that recently accused NBA player Klay Thompson of vandalizing a string of homes in Sacramento because it didn’t understand fans’ comments online that he was “shooting bricks” at a game.

Or how about the AI recipe generator that came up with glue sandwiches, potatoes using bug spray and rice ‘n’ bleach?

Who’s to say there’s not a glitch and ammo gets in the wrong hands and things end worse than a silly recipe botch?

 Each machine sells ammo for rifles, shotguns and handguns, according to CNN, which reported that earlier this month, the ammunition dispenser in Tuscaloosa, Ala., was taken down and relocated.

The reason? Sales weren’t up to expectations.

I, for one, never expected Tuscaloosa—Roll Tide--to be a hotbed of liberalism but City Council member Kip Tyner told CNN he had concerns. Good on him.

Said Tyner: “There could be a dispute, and someone got upset with someone else and instead of cooling off and having to go to the store the next day they could go to the grocery store and get ammunition and use it for the wrong reasons.”

Exactly.

American Rounds, undaunted by this showing of good sense in Tuscaloosa, plans to expand into Florida, California and Hawaii and recently added machines in Texas and Colorado.

In this gun-crazed culture, making ammo as easy to get as a bag of Funyuns is crazier than AI’s “Oreo Stir Fry.”
        
Celia Rivenbark is a humor columnist and NYT-bestselling author. Write to her at celiarivenbark@gmail.com.