Third parent dictates for today's kids
Published January 23, 2015
by Mary Carey, columnist, Chapel Hill News, published in News and Observer, January 22, 2015.
Millennials, those born between 1980 and 2000, have been described as entitled and narcissistic. It seems we, Generation X parents, have failed miserably in raising mature, conscientious adults with healthy-sized egos.
I would like to present a defense for myself and my fellow Gen X parents. We are the first generation to contend with a new, hard-to-please authority that has moved in and taken over. This authority figure, a tyrannical third parent, directs nearly every activity in our households.
When we suggest our son should make his bed, this third parent says: “I don’t care what his room looks like. He has three AP classes. Let him study.”
When we insist our sons and daughters have more responsibilities around the house, this third parent laughs and asks what our kids have done for the community. Forget the family.
Who is this third parent?
It is the college application.
If your child is considering applying to one of our local, nationally recognized universities, this third parent is a cruel taskmaster. Parents get pushed aside, relegated to the roles of agent and manager to the celebrity of the student.
If two adults ran around making sure you were where you needed to be, were on the right team, enrolled in all the right classes, wouldn’t you start to think maybe you were someone very special?
If an entire household spent four years focused on your quests for glory in the classroom and on the field, might you become a little self-centered? If those adults packed your bags, made your bed, cleaned your room and did your laundry, how would you avoid developing a sense of entitlement?
This third parent tells us our child can do anything, just not empty the dishwasher.
There is no time for playing an active role in the family. Practice begins at 7:30 a.m. School goes until 3:50 p.m., and then there is afternoon practice until 6:30. Hours of homework take up the evening. Travel teams and volunteering take up the weekends, and SAT classes are Sunday afternoons.
Previous generations said, “You can’t do anything until your chores are done.” Today’s parents, recognizing the stress on our overscheduled teens, absolve them of most responsibilities in the home.
A very wise woman, Priscilla Bratcher, offered me this advice: “Remember, you aren’t raising a happy child. You are raising a happy adult.” Those words resonated with me for many reasons. What struck me most is the acknowledgment that very often, what will produce a happy child will eventually produce a very unhappy adult. Entitled and narcissistic is not how most happy adults are described.
Is it possible these negative traits are the unintended consequences of parents wanting the best for their child and jumping through endless hoops to provide it? Are the tracks for the crazy train to get into Duke, N.C. State and UNC laid with good intentions?
What can we do to stop this parade of entitled young adults whose only family responsibility is to get the big envelope? How can we change a sports schedule back to being one season instead of year-round? How can we restore the evening meal?
Does this third parent ever examine its role in shaping millennials?
Universities claim to want students with grit and perseverance. The college application appears to want students whose parents can provide tutors, SAT prep classes, international travel for language and culture immersion, tuition for university classes while still in high school, the financial ability to play at least one sport. It also helps to be good at something really obscure, so it wouldn’t hurt to get some lessons in juggling or lampshade making.
Who knew you could buy grit and perseverance?
I don’t know which came first, the extraordinary accomplishments needed to get into the best schools or the helicopter parents providing everything for their children in order to get them into the best schools. I don’t know when we handed over the reins of our family to this third parent, the college application process. I do feel, though, regardless of unintended consequences, we all did set out to raise happy adults.
Mary Carey is a columnist for the Chapel Hill News, from which this is reprinted.
January 23, 2015 at 8:17 pm
Norm Kelly says:
'It seems we, Generation X parents, have failed miserably in raising mature, conscientious adults with healthy-sized egos'. Forget about the egos. These youngsters have plenty of ego. That's not where you failed, unless, like me, you believe artificially inflated egos are a problem. Young whipper-snappers with artificially inflated egos are a major pain. They have virtually zero experience, nothing noteworthy, no success yet in the job market/starting a business, but they have this attitude like they walk on water. Irritating is a major understatement. So, Gen X parents have definitely failed from this perspective. A little humility goes a long way. Inflated egos, with no merit, hinders their future development and possibly a happy adult life.
Mature? These days kids are anything but mature. Most of them EXPECT too much. Since Gen X parents have coddled them their entire lives, letting them sleep in even on school days, helping them with/doing their homework, making excuses for them at every turn, has gotten too many of these youngsters to think that the world will also treat them like royalty. They are spoiled brats that have no idea how to make it on their own in the REAL WORLD! They are so mature that they think it's acceptable to stay up all night playing video games and then be too tired to work the following day. They are far from mature.
Conscientious? Toward whom or what? These snot-nosed spoiled brats are too self-centered to care about anyone else.
It's Gen X parents who forced laws on the rest of us that now require EVERY kid to wear a helmet while biking. It's Gen X parents that try to protect their kids from EVERYTHING and think nothing of also trying to protect every body elses kids from the real world also. It's Gen X parents that insist there ought to be laws protecting kids in every aspect of life. If you want your kid to wear a bike helmet, then darn well get them a helmet. But don't FORCE my kid to wear a helmet because you want your kid to grow up afraid of every darn shadow out there! You've raised babies who expect themselves to be protected at every turn.
Far from mature. From from healthy-sized egos. Miserable, scared, needy, expecting to be taken care of. By everybody else. In a word: babies. In adult bodies.
Was I a great parent? Probably not, but both of my kids survived into adult hood. Both of my kids are responsible adults who pay their bills, without my help or anyone elses, who actually work for a living. And we all have a good relationship. I told my kids when they were growing up that they needed to take responsibility and not try to blame someone else. I guess since kids learn from their elders, we could blame some of this baby attitude, this needy attitude, this blame someone else attitude on the occupier. It's a fact that he has not yet accepted responsibility for a single thing. He's still blaming Bush after 6 years! So it may not be just Gen X parents to blame. But then, it's also Gen X parents who helped put this numbskull in office. Twice!
'What can we do to stop this parade of entitled young adults'. Be PARENTS. Take charge. It's more than likely what your parents did. And you turned out pretty good didn't you? It is YOUR job to raise a functional adult, one who understands responsibility. One who understands that NOBODY cares about your future as much as YOU do. It is the parents responsibility to teach their kids that when they become adults, they have the FREEDOM to be what they want to be, so long as they take the responsibility that goes along with it. Does your kid KNOW how much that pair of sneakers cost? Do they know how much it takes for you to earn enough to pay that amount? Do you just GIVE stuff to your kid because the kid whined about how much they wanted said item? Does each of your kids have an iPad, game machine, cell phone, etc. etc. etc.? Or do your kids have to share luxury items? Have you ever set a limit on the cost of an item, where you agree to pay said amount and anything above that cost comes out of your kids pocket? Without you first having given them the money to spend on said item?
'regardless of unintended consequences, we all did set out to raise happy adults'. The happiness is not the key though. The ADULT is the key! You are raising an adult. Adults know how to take care of themselves. Have you taught your kid that? Chapel Hill isn't derided because they raise such responsible kids! Chapel Hill is made fun of because it is the seat of socialism in our state. People who want SOMEONE else to take care of everything in life. People who want the government to take more responsibility for every aspect of life. People who say things like 'there oughta be a law ...'. People who spoil their kids rotten, and end up raising spoiled brats who expect everything in life. These unintended consequences are killing our nation! It's 'unintended consequences' that are typical of governments. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Sometimes these 'unintended consequences' are predictable. But some people have closed minds and are not willing to accept that their plans may just go wrong and create 'unintended consequences'. Years ago there were studies done that proved kids need boundaries. Yet it seems an awful lot of Gen X parents didn't read that book! Unfortunately, with kids there is no 'do-over'. Before you do something, perhaps it's best to think about those 'unintended consequences' so the rest of us don't suffer from your poor decisions! Or once your kid is grown and has kids of their own, will you continue to baby those kids also? Will you spoil those kids and make sure through your 'unintended consequences' that there's another generation of children in adult bodies?
