Gift-giving in Raleigh

by Scott Mooneyham, Capitol Press Association, published in Greenville Daily Reflector, December 12, 2013.

Oh, voter ID, oh, voter ID, how lovely are your 49 pages of branches.

Oh, the song doesn’t go like that? And some people aren’t seeing all the loveliness?

Well, it is easy to get confused hanging around the political class in Raleigh.

It is, though, the holiday season. Once again, the time has come to figure out who among those political movers and shakers and tax reform bakers has made Santa’s list.

So, here are a few gift-giving suggestions, even if finding them in the mall might prove a little difficult:

• For Gov. Pat McCrory, an all-expense-paid get-away from unsympathetic legislators who override your vetoes, nosy reporters who want to know what you are paying former campaign aids, and unrelenting activists who can drum up 10,000 protesters to call you mean names. The governor needs to find that little piece of paradise where he can let his hair down, run barefoot through the grass, where people can just call him “plain ole Pat.” Bank of America stadium and downtown Charlotte ought to do the trick. To make the trip complete, a nice platter of cookies will be served on the drive down.
• For U.S. Sen. Kay Hagan, a brand new service contract for the Healthcare.gov site to be administered by David Copperfield. The contract not only calls for the glitches in the website to go away, but also requires Copperfield to make disappear certain claims about people being able to keep existing health insurance plans. But no, senator, there is no contract provision about pushing off elections into a magical future.
• For Secretary of Health and Human Service Aldona Wos, two dozen employees whose job is making her and her department look better. Oh, she’s already got that? Well, how about a boss who always talks nice about her? That too? OK, what about doctors and hospitals that don’t care if they go without being paid for six months? What, you want one of those too? Sorry, this is Christmas, not Charity-Is-Us, and we are all tapped out just about now
• For state House Speaker and U.S. Senate candidate Thom Tillis, the recently discovered and newly compiled lost recordings of Root Boy Slim, entitled “Cash Comin’ In.” This set of Root’s unearth gems includes “Square Jaw, Good TV,” “Preacher Don’t Preach to Me,” “Christmas at Karl’s,” “It’s So Kay,” and “Skip the Tea, I’ll Have a Bud.” The producers decided against including another of the unearthed songs, “Do the RINO.”
• For state Attorney General and potential gubernatorial candidate Roy Cooper, a copy of the new memoir from former Gov. Mike Easley, “How to Squash Former Charlotte Mayors and Other Pests.” Cooper will want to pay special attention to the chapters entitled, “Dispatching the Vinroot of All Evil.” He can safely skip the chapters, “Who You Calling a Little Fella?” and “Getting Out of the Woodshop.”